Welcome to my first EVER blog post! I really didn't want to write a blog at all for personal reasons but I just couldn't shake the urge to do so, so here we are.
I'm a Christian and God speaks to me in many different ways, but he spoke to me through my husband the other night and it was pivitol. I was crying (again) about homeschooling my eldest and how much I didn't enjoy it and what I needed to do differently and what she needed to do differently and waaaahhh waaaaahhh waaaaahhh for the 100th time. Well, I think my hubby has had enough of all this. He said over the past almost 11 years of being married, he doesn't remember me ever being consistantly happy or content. There have been pockets of happiness, even joy, but not consistantly. He said that I was always looking at the next thing, being discontent with what I had in the present. Ouch and yuck.
A light bulb went off in my brain and I thought about all the things I had thrown myself into over the past years, never seeming to master them...always trying to do better, trying to be "perfect" in my own personal modifications and always ending up being disappointed. Chasing but never catching and embracing this longing in my heart for more. Here's a list: Best Daughter, Best Sister, Best Daughter in Law, Best Wife, Best Mom, Best House Keeper, Best Homeschooling Mom, Best Workout Girl, Best "FUN" Mom, Best Cake Decorator, Best Menu Planner, Best_____, you fill in the blank, I've been there. Not competing with other women, I've really never been that way, but ALWAYS competing with myself, to improve. Here's a prison I can't get out of on my own! Can you relate? Never enjoying what I have, recognizing it, for sure! Thankful for it, absolutely! But CONSTANTLY trying to TWEAK it.
I just realized that no one else is tweaking me! Not my hubby, not my children, not even God. Yes, he wants to expand my knowledge and wisdom about him and through him to make the bond between us stronger. But I realized this constant urge to improve myself doesn't come from him. He DOES love me for me. The Creator of the Universe loves me just as I am, if this is good enough for Him, it should be good enough for me. This is very hard for me wrap my brain around, but I'm willing to try.
I would love for you to come with me on this quest of truly living in his grace and not chasing a contentment never found in things of this world. I don't want to be lost in exertion anymore. I want to quit chasing something that is unattainable and see myself through the sacrifice of Jesus blood. You see, there is no more. There is nothing else for me. Jesus did do it all on the cross. Hence my new favorite verse, "Only live up to what we have already attained." Phillipians 3:16.
As I type there are tears in my eyes because I know there is more. Not "my" more, but HIS more for me, right here, where I am. Not over there just over the horizon, but here in my messy house with my squishy self. You see, He IS here and He IS all I need. I've asked that he let me see others through his eyes, the way he sees them and boy did that change my life! Now, I'm finally learning to ask him to let me see ME through his eyes. I think I'm on to something here.
